014 Encouraging

I feel surreal to come back to actual life routine after a whopping six month away at home. But this past week has been an absolutely exciting with the highlight being of those two unforgettable nights spending time with him. Amidst all the hustle, he had been mt anchor, repeatedly reminding me to focus, be patience and be positive. There is something about him on how he put belief in me, sometimes he is the voice in my head cheering me on when i started to doubt myself.

The night comes, our conversation 'heart-to-heart' got really deep. He hit me with that classic question, 'Why me?' Do i have to answer it in a formal way? No. I'd say, 'flawless skin and that heart-melting smile'. Somehow i rather be guessing alone maybe it is happened from our previous hatred event. Make us tougher enough on anything happened. But his 'comeback' response caught me off guard- 'he loves me because i am that someone who eager to soak up knowledge. It is like having a study motivator who is also his go-to- study buddy.' A combo I never knew I had it. 

His energy in sport is extraordinary. It is not just about a game for him; it's a lifestyle. The way he talks about his favourite sports, the strategies and the victories are so exciting! 

We had this sweet plan to buy muffin for his mom but i totally don't have enough money on getting something special -a big facepalm moment. Yet, he is so understanding, so patience. He probably working on building a bond for me and his mom, and I hope it will lead for more handouts. 

Starting my first week of my university life for Year 3 has left me feeling pretty isolated from everyone. Bonding with classmate had been challenging and I'm still struggling to make friends. I'm not quite sure how to initiate conversation and be more outgoing. I honestly would say everyone are so dull and I haven't found my go-to-go friend to share about my gossip. My roommate? Let just say it was lesser dull then everyone else but even worse. I'll spill the tea in my next post. Thankfully he's been saving grace in this first week- giving boost my energy for the entire semester! Hahaha.

He is a complex person with both admirable behavior and area where he put his struggles. on the positive side he possesses on a good trait, but like anyone else he also has his moments of difficulty. Particularly, to manage his own anger become a challenge when his stress creeps in, it is not that is generally feels stress but if there is an instance when I or his surrounding initiating disagreements, it seems it will trigger the difficult on controlling his emotion. Being in his company is truly enjoyable.

Probably wrote this on my first week but now I currently in week 7. Pray for me.

As we aged, I can sense the deepening bond between my siblings and me. My lil sis had intentionally become my gossip partner, someone who hear to all my gossip besides my mom and firdaus. The ties between the gossip message sending feels like a genuine heart-to-heart conversation.

a silly gossiping with my adik

one with ain ofc

013 Warded

This is going to be a lengthy personal episode with dramatic occurrences.

It begins with a strange stretching feeling that I experience in my lower back muscle on both sides. The pain had persisted for the straight three days only in the morning which had turn my curiosity on to googling on why this and that. I couldn't find any solace since it says, I might be suffering from arthritis due to milk allergy. I might say it was totally making strong point as I was started to increase my milk intake for breakfast but I'm allergic with milo. The thing is the is no correlation point between muscle pain and arthritis. 

My search bar:

'Why I'm having back pain only in the morning?'

'The relation of back pain and milk'

'Can I have pain on my back if I drink milk?'

The next day which would be 31st of April on Friday, according to the plan, I was planned to go to the Kedai Batik or Butik Batik or Batik Boutique and then going to buy racun semut - my room was infested by ants and go to the hospital asking the question to the doctor about my back pain. but instead, it turned into an arduous and painful journey as I was being admitted to the hospital and the rest planned was just cancel. I was diagnosed of having abnormal cardiovascular rhythms caused by premature ventricular contraction (PVC) but the causes still did not being confirm yet as i need to queue for the MRI and wait for the result. 

EXTRA EXCITED WITH MY WARD OUTFITS

SCARED ME GOT WIRE ON MY THUMB AND BODY

I'm hooked up to a bunch of 3 different colour of wires and being monitor my heart rate because I was being predicted of having hyperthyroid based on my symptoms rapid heart rate, excessive sweating, shaking, mood swings and anxiety. I was giving normal saline IV and too curious whether it would break my fast, so I googling the mufti website *as always pretty sure enough yes it would. I was remained in the emergency room until 12 AM but then being moved to Ward 7. Ward 7 was super packed with poor old people macam nenek nenek atuk that was chronically ill. Most seemed pretty immobile and had trouble of breathing - it was like asthma. Again, I'm too curious with wearing mask in the ward so I ask the doctor.

"Doctor, should I wear mask? it seems dangerous around here. haha."

"From what I can see, yes you should."

Then, I pun pakailah mask. 

BTW, they speak English sometimes with me and I don't even know why.

I was super-anxious as i really hate being in a cramped quarters filled with people but i tried to remain positive and think it was not bad as i thought. *it didn't work though. All tests were done and get the result on monday evening blood, x-rays, ECG, ECHO and was tested negative for hyperthyroid. 

Dr bila I boleh balik I feel so itchy this thing sticks on my arms. 

So, things didn't just stop there ok. After the ECHO test, the cardiologist took over my case and submitted forms to further analyze my case because they found abnormalities with my heart size, the rhythms. Again, I was transferred to Cardiac Rehabilitation Ward (CRW Ward) which was much better than ward 7. Can you believe it? Everything was so clean, got aircond! The nurses were super friendly and sometimes can be quite annoying. I had to wear ECG for 24 hours even though I'm sleeping. Every 4 AM in the morning, doctor would come and take my blood sample. My arms were bruised and swollen after 4 days there. lol. The food dalam CRW also sangat sedap and packed in a container and I always excited for the meal!

The better food in CRW!

I was so lucky like the real grateful feeling of having Firdaus, Tok, Ibu and Nasir because they all really help me a lot. physically and mentally. Firdaus and Ibu always there for me. I mean yes having no friend around could get demotivated sometimes bila I see everyone are having fun with their friends. Masa I warded that day, my classmate talks bad about me. saying I was being drama around people and making up the story eventhough I look normal. I got tweet on my twitter so i can record everything happen before i put it here. She seems unease with me of having Firdaus and always with 'gelinya dating dating ni'. -even she did not point it to me TIBERs

As always, the one who always being ugly would be the one who will always spoiling people mood. Always like Selangor there, Selangor got this, Selangor got that. 

Yes kiddo, I'm tired listening to your Selangor story.

Anyways, congrats adik firdaus, Danial with your future wife.

012 Some- Thing(s)

It was raining heavily here. I can definitely tell that the evening rain had motivated or encouraged me to tell stories. The weather here in my area was quite improving starting from last night, when it was still poring. Hence, I guess the weather is the only reason why I have a gut to start writing. I couldn't deny about the fact that I did not spend my time to read anything like for almost a month because I had fully filled my time to do my own chores which is related to my hobby or my things except for cooking- cooking is really not my thing hm. I do sometimes feel like my writing is getting worse though. I was actually start writing for almost 2 day and half and now I barely know if I can get myself to concentrate on things I did. 

My inside is churning with uncertain and uneased surrounding, I frequently voice my complains about things which I am quite unhappy with. Everything seems better when I'm at home- most probably unbothered and freedom. I want to write again, to feel calm, as this is the only medium of escapism to actual let it all out.

Curse

I have a tendency to add random words like 'shit' sometimes. What a very odd and terrible situation that I had encountered last year, I was being cursed by a lady. She was or (currently or still) behaving irrationally and dangerous. TBH YES, she is. I was being cursed out with unusual words that is not being used by normal people. Anyways, let's just hope she is ok with her family.

Driving school
I've currently finished my licenses progress like 9 out of 10 and waiting for my JPJ exam. To make things short, I failed my driving trial test, but the instructor passed me because of some reasons -i ni bagusla eventhough I terlanggar the divider masa drive in the selekoh z -bila he passed me so I don't have to come again just to repeat the silly mistake. I left my IC and my L licenses too- I tau pun because the instructor called me kalau tak I totally ingat I dropped it somewhere lol. FYI, this driving instructor who had just passes me for the test is the one that was too strict with the other student. I was so lucky he didn't too strict with me and being so monotone like 'awak rasa yang mana awak nampak salah tadi?' -i was actually forgot to lift the handbrake off. He advise me with 'nanti bila dah nak dekat JPJ awak datang belajar balik'. **woah i dalam otak dah fikir omg omg im going to failed this time

Allergies

I have severe allergic to milo ingredient which I guess it was due to barley malt. After finished driving classes, my mom fetches me, and we are heading to kedai baju somewhere in Kulim because my lil sister looking for her blazer. I buy milo masa tunggu they all pilih baju and I was totally forgot yang I'm allergic to it. I drink like half of it, I start to have runny nose and itchy all over my face. It was getting worse sebab my face, skin, eyes and throat were swollen badly. I even feel like unable to breath properly. - solution; heading to nearest clinic and get injection. lol. 

Crochet
I am no longer intended to crochet a cardigan since I find it too boring to keep crocheting the same thing over and over again. So, I switch my plan to crochet few sunflower coasters and sell it. Why not? I didn't find any ideas on how to start marketing or advertising my crochet arts yet. If anyone read this, you can share with me what's your thoughts on this. and what should I do to start selling it. Plus, I have a lot of recycled yarn, so I made phone pouch using it and I made it for him. I definitely can say I love crocheting so much and it is probably not so expensive as some other craft stuffs like colouring, cross stitch. But the thing i've love to crochet may take a while to make and sometimes I get bored before finish it, so I rather crochet small things like coasters that easily can take me to settle it around 10 to 20 mins.

Ikan Baung
It sounds strange. I ikut my mom and her friend makan at someplace yang mainly serve ikan baung as lunch menu. So, I tried one. Balik tu I googled it what is it and where it comes from. The taste macam a bit weird I can describe it rasa macam almari kayu. I find it have unpleasant taste, but still can be tolerable to eat. Ikan baung curry and I forgot to snap the name of the kedai. But from the crowd of people come for lunch, I think the 'ikan baung curry' is famous in that area. I was too curious with the fish and the taste that make me asked the tukang masak and see how they prepared it. hihi.

I have another 3 days to go before my next semester starts. My mind gets so preoccupied that it actually has an imaginary 'things-to do' list stored in my brain that only can be activated after the exams. But now I'm almost finished my semester breaks in about less than a week sobs. I feel like I'm enjoying my break and it's been pretty productive thus far I must say- I'm not lying TBH.

011 Weird

Semester 3 was a period that full of changes, face to face classes. As a student these never ends pandemic had displaced much of my university life. Now I finally here in campus around Kelantan which everything gets even worse day by day. A week before I pack my things to bring here to Kelantan, I was just so excited, imagining things that everything could be better when I'm in Kelantan. Lol nah. It is not the same as what I was expected it supposed to be. Truthfully, I was mentally exhausted because I need sometimes to process all these things for once. I feel like I need to continuously write here so that I feel, you know, more present in life and of course help me to express my thoughts more rather than keep it alone.

It has been three months here and I actually wrote this when I was in my first week in my campus. It kinda feel irrelevant to start writing it back in right now as I keep it for long time to update my drafts. 

I have been living my life quite... lonely... here in 'new castle' as what my lecturer always told us about being grateful living in 'new castle'. Only giving quite updates what I feel necessary to him, F.  Anyways, I was so lucky here I finally make myself survive myself on week 4. There were so many dramas dragging me into a heap of combined emotional issues, complete with nasty suspicions, unfounded accusations and a life-friendship dramatic reconciliation that would inevitably be short-lived.

Let me begin with my first day drama, with A and her roommate is AA. A was so nice, calm, cool as she is currently a netball player for interyear sports in my campus. She is so flirty with random guy, but she actually got boyfriend. She got paired with AA as her roommate, AA was soft spoken girl when i was meet her for the first time. as times flews both are so mean. AA was the one who asking me to buy for her travel ticket because she is staying 45 minutes far from my place. After few times, she was arguing with me like 

why should we pay for the tax?

why they cut for rm2 this time but last time why and why?

I swear she was super annoying. I don't know the exact reasons but sound like be friend with AA should be avoided haha. 

My roommate is a twin and I had no idea how to live with a same person but different identity. I was just curious about 

how twin can live without each other? 

what is so special about twins?

They went to the same course because their parent said that they can be roommates, and it will be easier for them *I'm not sure what it means but i guess it is something more like be there together in campus They are super nice to me. Ajak keluar, ajak and always ajak.

I couldn't deny that my parent had spent more on my university fees as I did not received government subsidy. I was really overwhelmed with facilities here and the accommodation that is not completely offer as what it supposed to be. Everything is rosak and cannot be used. Definitely everything has to pay for extra charges even though I was staying in government campus. 

The most pathetic part is I was struggling to make friends and joining lot of things, volunteering in everything that I can help myself of making friend with everyone. Everyone seems to have their own gangs, groups. you know how it feels, living alone in this new place made me feel alone all times. Everyone is enjoying with their friends going to try something that is really rare while me need to wait for F to come over and bring me to somewhere that I could never see. I was trying to make friends with them, the more I tried the worse it gets. 

Nah, I decided to let me just be alone for now and just wait for my f to come here. 

I was having bad allergies with foods here. Changing my food pattern seems not really works for me for now. My dramatic self let me googled about how to change to another uni. Which makes me feel even more stuck here. I rasa i better listen to my parents and my lecturer. Kelantan is the best place to go and bukan senang nak datang study jauh. Manfaatkan sebaiknya.

Pray for me.

010 Sem Break Programme

It is now less than a month to go before my new semester begins. I have been deciding to clear up my draft but I can't seem to find enough energy to focus on my writing. Exhausted morning was the only thing that always comes first since semester break started. I literally feel extremely exhausted all the time. Just about everything in my life- from getting out of bed to house chores to reading to human interacting- required a significant amount of activation energy and of course for the most important part was dealing with my emotion. Now they had turned into a grind. 

Anyways, I still looking for nice acronyms for my uni life documentary *in written forms*. The reason why i decided to write everything about my daily event according to acronyms was because it was easier for me to reminisce all those struggled- remembering how I survive them with the turbulences that I thought it would kill myself. 

Yet, they didn't.

I was quite confident about committing my time for these two weeks of small project 'weight your health' collaboration between School of Health Sciences and Nutrifit 365. However, as the event date approached I could not find a proper time to write anything about it. Hence, that was the second reasons I updated my next event. I worked under trainee dietitian. For the first time I actually show my 'counseling' skills as well as attending few course preparation session in a short time before 27th August. There were three classes that we all need to attend and together with practicing with our mentor about counseling training. Plus, I also got my own dummy patient who willing to help and comment on anything that I missed.

Here is a quick update about my last event:

1. Preparing and learnt about MNT card and counseling my client on 27th August for 1 hour at night via google meet. Then we need to redo our MNT card properly and submit it to my group mentor. The client was randomly assigned to us by the person in charge. He was inquired about his body weight- deciding to lose his weight and also plan for healthy foodies.
   
2. Get invited to join 'Food Exchange' class- learn a lot about '1 pertukaran' of carbohydrates, protein and fat equal to how many kcal. I already forgot as I only did my revision after the class ended only. LOL SORRY. 
3. Post mortem night on 'Weight Your Health' event. Luckily I am the first person who present my point about overall of the event, what I had learn generally- was thank dietitian in charge to train me about counseling but she DID NOT reply or say anything about it. LOL nvm.
4. All participation of students are below than my age like around 22 or 20 but they called themself as 'kakak' which I was thinking it was so awkward to call someone who was younger than me as 'kakak'- as I was in year 1 student lol

Tbh, it was quite boring this time as I got summarized it in a simple story. 

009 Moving On

Moving on and accept the fate is not the easiest thing to do. If it was not from my experience with him, or even knowing the truth about my dad, I'd think that moving on and accept the fate is based on a matter that putting everything behind us. I mean like, 'oh you want to move on? you just need to forget about the past and get over it.' Nah it's not that easy. It require consistency. I wish I was strong enough to face everything happened. Crying is the only way for me to release everything that getting tougher right now. Revenge is not how we repay them but it do make us look stupid and more desperate for them to stay. 

I'll be honest with you. No matter how hard I tried to push away the past, it stills messing my mind, affecting the way I thought about myself, my decisions and my action towards something. Ultimately, there are a bunch of thoughts to clear and erroneous belief to untangle before I could really move on. All of these require an ability to think consciously, which are hard because it's already linked to deep into our life. I am so lucky to say I was completely moving on and accept the fate that we could not belong to be together. -was being dramatic on this but let's be real like siapa je tak fikir macam 'i wish you will stay longer' to him or her. 

Not sure how to properly describe it but yet it is what it is.

I believe it is one of self healing process where it take times, probably might be longer that we expected to be. It might be depending on how deep the emotional impact was, it might takes several healing phase before you completely move on. I was thinking it was a journey beginning of life, rather than a binary Yes/No checkpoint. The biggest red flag is don't ever you dare to start discussing with him or her and beg for them to stay. Don't undervalued yourself, dear. I stay away from social medias for a temporary before I completely heal. I was thinking to talk to one of my friend, Ain. But I guess I preferred to write everything here rather than telling her. I don't want she or the other friend of mine come out with 'alah siapa suruh..'. 

I had to reduced contact or be active in the group because his action towards me made it hard for me to move on. At the same time this one another idiot messing up my life. Keep calling me for no reason. I don't feel to talk to anyone unless it is a formal task. I was about to block this one idiot but still have empathy feeling even though he keep pushed my anger by saying something nonsense. I labelled him as A on the previous post, so recently A was telling me that he mistakenly put my address on his parcel and asked me to pass it to him because he want to talk and meet me. I refused. Instead, he madly ended the phone call and did not reply to any text since that. -finally he stop brothering me as I wished.

Gila betul.

The second thing is my phone was have a bit problem and become slowed. I resetting my phone but I do backup on my WhatsApp. Unfortunately, I totally forgot that I still have my messages with my late dad and what his family in law replied me when I asked for important things. Let's just take another step to move on and let it be. 

Life is so tragic. 

As always. 

Over expression thoughts.

008 Week 11

My previous posts were too sentimental and I can't bear to read it again. I definitely think of being more specific about something that I want to share. Rather than ignoring or impulsively expressing my feelings, I assuming it is normal to write on a blog and let people read or view it. I'm not sure whether some people still considered it too cringe-worthy to be done in this era. Let's hope for no.

Week 11,12,13, 14,15- where the due dates marked, it appears as assignment submission and 'task giving' week for this semester. I have a lot of assignments plus extra entrepreneur subject that needs to settle before dateline together with individual presentation for 60% per individually. THAT'S CRAZY YES I KNOW!

I completely revamped everything on my Microsoft To Do List since USM pays for the 'student.usm.my' stuff so I use it as good as I can because I also paid for the university fees. However, even all with those listing dateline, I still feel lost sometimes and out of control right now with additional self 'great' values of having unbalance emotional control. It does not always completely happy but sometimes I would feel sad, angry or overwhelmed depend on what situation I'm in. -of course for the most annoying is feeling extra sleepy and exhausted after too much thing I've faced. I keep asking for something even though it hasn't happened yet but still I have to answer it everything that keep rumbling on mind. I do ask my psychology lecturer and hope she can give me any reply on why and why this and that. She's busy, I guess but yet still no answer. 

Keep distracting myself and tracking of anything in my recycle planner so I don't have to do anything that lead me to be procrastinated and self-drama lol. -no more drama alis, and that is completely normal. It was daunting especially since past few days before and was having this as my second thoughts where I feel like I might be okay for now

My subjects were still okay so far. i have no problem with the datelines, but I'm taking Arabic as my elective subject. I feel I wanna drop this subject but I terfikir it's almost come to the ending, alis farhana. you just continue with whatever you do. I always feel scared *not joking* leaning this as my elective subject because arabic sangatlah susah and a bit confusing. but duh, I'll take it as self challenge. YES I'll do it. Dietetics course is like a 'cooking' course and something that related to hobbies I. That is the most different facts other than be a dietitian. It is more on 'oh if you love cooking and you can take dietetics as for your degree then'. This semester I'm taking principle of food preparation subject where we need to learn how to prepare a food recipe with all the food principle. Sobs. I couldn't deny or lie to myself. It's boring. I don't know how to remove my 'sleepiness' feeling bila masuk dapur and it's quite annoying because I feel dapur is the only reason that could trigger my sleeping habit hahah lol not the book.

Plus, this week I need to do a cooking video about chocolate éclair and I choose to cook it btw instead of the rest. It used whipping cream inside and fun I guess? I actually decide to do it since the last week begin but I'm not confident enough to try. I rasa this recipe was too complicated to underhand. I'm telling my mom that I need to go bakery nearby to get cooking stuff. She drove me there and let me buy it by my own. It's not easy and I have to differentiate between non dairy and dairy product and btw this recipe need to use non-dairy whip cream. 

Luckily, the bakery owner advice me or giving me whip cream lecture 'you cannot let this whip cream outside room temperature because the structure will be 'destroy' so if you wanna use it you just scooped everything all and put the thing back inside the fridge'. Haze would be so proud of me if I get successfully baked new cookie with new recipe.

It might take sometimes to feel really fun to learn about cooking and I take is as my advantage to be a matured lady so later i tak payah nak tapau food somewhere bila i dah kerja ke or apa but what I only need to do is cook. Okay lets's be positive so i takkan rasa menyesal for this whole 4 years taking dietetics. sobs. I'm crying. Currently, was watching kak amira's whatsapp status *a dietitian yang i kenal when i'm joining nutrifit*. She was sharing about her working life and it quite fun though because dietitian needs to decide the best strategies, meal plan and dose needed for foods to be drip inside plasma. Also, I was looking at nutrifit staff position here and turns out she is the CEO. That was a toughest position. Hopefully i boleh biasakan diri with dietetics some more time. 

Pray for me.